How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
