Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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