shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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