I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
