I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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