apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
