GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
