YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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