you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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