apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
