im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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