either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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