She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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