I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
