i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
