I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
