there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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