the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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