how can u be prego again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
