It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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