I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
