I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
