Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
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His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
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You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
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