I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
