i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
