Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
