I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
