You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
