The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
