"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
