So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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