I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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