I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
