i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
