The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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