He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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