One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize