soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
3 2 1 whiskey
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
