I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
