I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
