I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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