My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
