You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
