I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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