I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
