my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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