You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
