Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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