I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
