Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Randomize
