I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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