You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
