Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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