No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
