what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
