Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
