I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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