Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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