His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
