She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
