and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm too high and old for this...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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